The Land of Cons, Middles, Pros and Damn

At this age, having another person means so many different things...
CONS
loss of freedom. loss of job. loss of money. Dependency on someone else for my money. for my kids .for everything. No financial stability. Being obligated to doing everything around the house because he is the breadwinner. little help. OLD. TIRED. OLD. ALONE.  OLD. Anxiety. he'll eventually resent me for having kids with dads who aren't really there. Already being a mom, so my time is compromised for the thought the thought I should love"our" child more? Is that a thing, cus I think It may be.  Fuck, I like no one having ownership of me and what I d with my fucking money.  And because I won't be able to work I will have limited funds. Willhe leave me, when times get hard with my children? Traveling will be s limited .. Especially together. We're old, so we have to start now, and I will lose that chance to do do and see everything I want to.  and if we fail, I'll be alone THREE baby daddies !!!! My dad willl be sooo disappointed. Again. Im trying to break down his walls of love, the ones where he is vulnerable, and knows he's taken care of.  He will leave me and try to take my baby..but he will leave me...
****Im hella baggage for him.  I have 3 kids, two baby daddies, fucked credit. hard to share space with because of all my superficial articles,-they're staying .  I don't really know how negotiate a lot of the other person's needs.. I think we should have our own space and not crowd each other.. but Want to sleep with you in your arms every night- kinda.   Im emotional, and mean at times, I reserve my thoughts and opinions and rarely feel like im wrong-because I have logically thought it out and, im not wrong. I want you to let me be wrong when im wrong and then give me space to understand how im wrong and express to me that I was wrong, bu stood by me because you knew I would acknowledge it soon-is.  I want you to love me through it all. and can you do that? it is too much even for myself sometimes. I'll constantly ask if you love me or if I make you happy. Ill also be upsets when you don't shower me with flowers(the ones that I want) , not toy stuffed animals-ugh- I;ll want you to know what what I want even if I don't tell you

MIDDLE
If I were to have your child--I will have some money coming through from disability- but im not disabled, just had a fucking baby-so that makes me mad at hw we classify women on maternity leave. We are more able the anyone in this world, usually! ugh ok. I'll have a partner, cus I know he will be one.  he will be loving and so in love with our baby. he knows that I love him and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to make him feel secured and loved.   I was ready to retire myself from children and run off with older kids, and not start over again, but I can.  that is so conflicting in thoughts,

PROS
I love him. He deserves at least one baby, or to try to have one. A man who'll love his baby. and be a daddy to his baby. I want to share our life with him-creating life together. He deserves a baby.  He'll take care of this babe.  He was to be a family.He's also accepting if he doesn't have his own natural child. He's loving and accepting and his family want shim to have love and they like me. Know there will be hand me down clothes . I know Cairo wants to be a big brother, and he'll be a great one  I love life being brought into this world   more so wih someone who loves me and wants it.  I will be well taken care of because of his hard work to take care of his baby and make sure they are loved and secured.  He deserves a baby. from lots of love. from me. HE told me that my children, will not only be my children, we'll have a union? hopefully . He's such an amazing person .

well....so, if it's going to happen, it has to happen soon

***DAMN I am horrible to have. why would he want to do all the shit? Im an asshole

******Im going also going to give all back. I want to be showered in love, because I will shower him.  kinda lol I want him to know that when he comes home, he is so loved, That he is perfect in the skin that he is in.  ThatI cn be a lot, but it is only because I love him and want him with me-us- always .  Im worried that I will not be enough for all the amazing qualities he has to offer and that another woman will take you from me.  However, not without a fight.  My cons are sooo long, cus they are purely a reflection of me. I am overwhelming. I know this. I am tooo much. I push men away because of it.   But I am strong with love and so heavy with strength for us tome forward tone happy and united and together,  And the is what I will always fight for.  Hopefully, you will too

I don't want you to ever read any of these blogs.  It's just me talking to the universe about us, to us, and not rally wanting a response.