my sister, Cherise, Shay, ShayShay, Sister, 10 year anniversary was on 1/18/19 A symbolic year. An intergernt year. Funnily enough it also a tin or aluminum anniversary present. So, ill drink beers outta the can! Never a 211 tho, sister😩 to celebrate 10 years of whateva. Life or death.
This year I actually, on a fluke, went to a crafts party for another friend’s friend, who is a friend too, but the party was craft party, an embroidery party, which you have done many times and gave us. I tried,but i could not. I found stationary of flowers, that reminded me of you. My original plan was to embroider Errray. Then i looked at it and it reminded me of your obituary. So i wanted it say sister. I couldnt sew it. I could do it. I just couldnt. I was around pwople i didnt feel knew you, so the attachment and desire was waned. It diminished our light of being. It juat wasnt there. Through all the positivity. They weren’t our people. I was comforted, and loved but they loved me and didn’t know who you are . Were. Your shine. Your effervescence. Your soul, your being, the way you resonate with those who have met- even for a moment. It is resounding. You are an impact a lingering force. I vibration. A love and a feeling. Someone who will always be remembered. Because you are LOVE, sister. My Reesa. My sister. My love. My admiration. My person who brought me my babies. Thank you. You always had a bigger gift to gice and thank you for giving us your babies. My babies. My first loves
You been on my mind. Love u from me and Nette💓
Sister
You've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So sister
I'm keepin' my eyes on you
I betcha think
I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues
Oh sister, have I got news for you
I'm somethin'
I hope you think
That you're somethin' too
Oh, Scufflin'
I been up that lonesome road
And I seen a lot of suns goin' down
Oh, but trust me
No low life's gonna run me around
So let me tell you somethin' sister
Remember your name
No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away
My sister
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time
So shake your shimmy
Sister
'Cause honey this 'shug
Is feelin' fine
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
The Land of Cons, Middles, Pros and Damn
At this age, having another person means so many different things...
CONS
loss of freedom. loss of job. loss of money. Dependency on someone else for my money. for my kids .for everything. No financial stability. Being obligated to doing everything around the house because he is the breadwinner. little help. OLD. TIRED. OLD. ALONE. OLD. Anxiety. he'll eventually resent me for having kids with dads who aren't really there. Already being a mom, so my time is compromised for the thought the thought I should love"our" child more? Is that a thing, cus I think It may be. Fuck, I like no one having ownership of me and what I d with my fucking money. And because I won't be able to work I will have limited funds. Willhe leave me, when times get hard with my children? Traveling will be s limited .. Especially together. We're old, so we have to start now, and I will lose that chance to do do and see everything I want to. and if we fail, I'll be alone THREE baby daddies !!!! My dad willl be sooo disappointed. Again. Im trying to break down his walls of love, the ones where he is vulnerable, and knows he's taken care of. He will leave me and try to take my baby..but he will leave me...
****Im hella baggage for him. I have 3 kids, two baby daddies, fucked credit. hard to share space with because of all my superficial articles,-they're staying . I don't really know how negotiate a lot of the other person's needs.. I think we should have our own space and not crowd each other.. but Want to sleep with you in your arms every night- kinda. Im emotional, and mean at times, I reserve my thoughts and opinions and rarely feel like im wrong-because I have logically thought it out and, im not wrong. I want you to let me be wrong when im wrong and then give me space to understand how im wrong and express to me that I was wrong, bu stood by me because you knew I would acknowledge it soon-is. I want you to love me through it all. and can you do that? it is too much even for myself sometimes. I'll constantly ask if you love me or if I make you happy. Ill also be upsets when you don't shower me with flowers(the ones that I want) , not toy stuffed animals-ugh- I;ll want you to know what what I want even if I don't tell you
MIDDLE
If I were to have your child--I will have some money coming through from disability- but im not disabled, just had a fucking baby-so that makes me mad at hw we classify women on maternity leave. We are more able the anyone in this world, usually! ugh ok. I'll have a partner, cus I know he will be one. he will be loving and so in love with our baby. he knows that I love him and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to make him feel secured and loved. I was ready to retire myself from children and run off with older kids, and not start over again, but I can. that is so conflicting in thoughts,
PROS
I love him. He deserves at least one baby, or to try to have one. A man who'll love his baby. and be a daddy to his baby. I want to share our life with him-creating life together. He deserves a baby. He'll take care of this babe. He was to be a family.He's also accepting if he doesn't have his own natural child. He's loving and accepting and his family want shim to have love and they like me. Know there will be hand me down clothes . I know Cairo wants to be a big brother, and he'll be a great one I love life being brought into this world more so wih someone who loves me and wants it. I will be well taken care of because of his hard work to take care of his baby and make sure they are loved and secured. He deserves a baby. from lots of love. from me. HE told me that my children, will not only be my children, we'll have a union? hopefully . He's such an amazing person .
well....so, if it's going to happen, it has to happen soon
***DAMN I am horrible to have. why would he want to do all the shit? Im an asshole
******Im going also going to give all back. I want to be showered in love, because I will shower him. kinda lol I want him to know that when he comes home, he is so loved, That he is perfect in the skin that he is in. ThatI cn be a lot, but it is only because I love him and want him with me-us- always . Im worried that I will not be enough for all the amazing qualities he has to offer and that another woman will take you from me. However, not without a fight. My cons are sooo long, cus they are purely a reflection of me. I am overwhelming. I know this. I am tooo much. I push men away because of it. But I am strong with love and so heavy with strength for us tome forward tone happy and united and together, And the is what I will always fight for. Hopefully, you will too
I don't want you to ever read any of these blogs. It's just me talking to the universe about us, to us, and not rally wanting a response.
CONS
loss of freedom. loss of job. loss of money. Dependency on someone else for my money. for my kids .for everything. No financial stability. Being obligated to doing everything around the house because he is the breadwinner. little help. OLD. TIRED. OLD. ALONE. OLD. Anxiety. he'll eventually resent me for having kids with dads who aren't really there. Already being a mom, so my time is compromised for the thought the thought I should love"our" child more? Is that a thing, cus I think It may be. Fuck, I like no one having ownership of me and what I d with my fucking money. And because I won't be able to work I will have limited funds. Willhe leave me, when times get hard with my children? Traveling will be s limited .. Especially together. We're old, so we have to start now, and I will lose that chance to do do and see everything I want to. and if we fail, I'll be alone THREE baby daddies !!!! My dad willl be sooo disappointed. Again. Im trying to break down his walls of love, the ones where he is vulnerable, and knows he's taken care of. He will leave me and try to take my baby..but he will leave me...
****Im hella baggage for him. I have 3 kids, two baby daddies, fucked credit. hard to share space with because of all my superficial articles,-they're staying . I don't really know how negotiate a lot of the other person's needs.. I think we should have our own space and not crowd each other.. but Want to sleep with you in your arms every night- kinda. Im emotional, and mean at times, I reserve my thoughts and opinions and rarely feel like im wrong-because I have logically thought it out and, im not wrong. I want you to let me be wrong when im wrong and then give me space to understand how im wrong and express to me that I was wrong, bu stood by me because you knew I would acknowledge it soon-is. I want you to love me through it all. and can you do that? it is too much even for myself sometimes. I'll constantly ask if you love me or if I make you happy. Ill also be upsets when you don't shower me with flowers(the ones that I want) , not toy stuffed animals-ugh- I;ll want you to know what what I want even if I don't tell you
MIDDLE
If I were to have your child--I will have some money coming through from disability- but im not disabled, just had a fucking baby-so that makes me mad at hw we classify women on maternity leave. We are more able the anyone in this world, usually! ugh ok. I'll have a partner, cus I know he will be one. he will be loving and so in love with our baby. he knows that I love him and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to make him feel secured and loved. I was ready to retire myself from children and run off with older kids, and not start over again, but I can. that is so conflicting in thoughts,
PROS
I love him. He deserves at least one baby, or to try to have one. A man who'll love his baby. and be a daddy to his baby. I want to share our life with him-creating life together. He deserves a baby. He'll take care of this babe. He was to be a family.He's also accepting if he doesn't have his own natural child. He's loving and accepting and his family want shim to have love and they like me. Know there will be hand me down clothes . I know Cairo wants to be a big brother, and he'll be a great one I love life being brought into this world more so wih someone who loves me and wants it. I will be well taken care of because of his hard work to take care of his baby and make sure they are loved and secured. He deserves a baby. from lots of love. from me. HE told me that my children, will not only be my children, we'll have a union? hopefully . He's such an amazing person .
well....so, if it's going to happen, it has to happen soon
***DAMN I am horrible to have. why would he want to do all the shit? Im an asshole
******Im going also going to give all back. I want to be showered in love, because I will shower him. kinda lol I want him to know that when he comes home, he is so loved, That he is perfect in the skin that he is in. ThatI cn be a lot, but it is only because I love him and want him with me-us- always . Im worried that I will not be enough for all the amazing qualities he has to offer and that another woman will take you from me. However, not without a fight. My cons are sooo long, cus they are purely a reflection of me. I am overwhelming. I know this. I am tooo much. I push men away because of it. But I am strong with love and so heavy with strength for us tome forward tone happy and united and together, And the is what I will always fight for. Hopefully, you will too
I don't want you to ever read any of these blogs. It's just me talking to the universe about us, to us, and not rally wanting a response.
thank you
I used to cry
when things were so dark
and ask god why s/he didn't love me
thinking that s/he loved me more than
that was happening in my life
oh but damnit
s/he does
I put a time restraint on love
but it wasnt my time to appreciate it
to truly appreciate I
I have someone who does for me
not because I ask
because I deserve
not with exception
not with the need of receiving back from me
but because he is truly good
cause I needed to wait
to understand
to accept
and to let it be
I told him I wouldn't say I love you any more
only because it was so hard for him to say it
and the other night I decided
I am ging to tell u I love you
through the discomfort
through th econfliction
through th hurt of it being said back
because I do
and I want you to hear it
to see
to feel
to know
and so,
you said it
through drunken words
and I held my breath
and you repeated it two more times after
snuggled n my breast
in the place you find comfort
in me
so thank you universe for giving me love when
I finally know what. to do with it
I bask, shower, envelope, and develop it
thank you for loving me this much that you gave m person who loves
me and all my life
and his mom who understands
I promise to take care of this man
even when I want punch him cuz im hungry,
but he feeds me because he understands me need to be fed
in lov and food and acceptance
thank you
when things were so dark
and ask god why s/he didn't love me
thinking that s/he loved me more than
that was happening in my life
oh but damnit
s/he does
I put a time restraint on love
but it wasnt my time to appreciate it
to truly appreciate I
I have someone who does for me
not because I ask
because I deserve
not with exception
not with the need of receiving back from me
but because he is truly good
cause I needed to wait
to understand
to accept
and to let it be
I told him I wouldn't say I love you any more
only because it was so hard for him to say it
and the other night I decided
I am ging to tell u I love you
through the discomfort
through th econfliction
through th hurt of it being said back
because I do
and I want you to hear it
to see
to feel
to know
and so,
you said it
through drunken words
and I held my breath
and you repeated it two more times after
snuggled n my breast
in the place you find comfort
in me
so thank you universe for giving me love when
I finally know what. to do with it
I bask, shower, envelope, and develop it
thank you for loving me this much that you gave m person who loves
me and all my life
and his mom who understands
I promise to take care of this man
even when I want punch him cuz im hungry,
but he feeds me because he understands me need to be fed
in lov and food and acceptance
thank you
LIGHT IN AIR
The dark of 3am,
Im no longer scared of you
I turn that dark time,
to the light
I am a witch
A white one
I shelter our lives from
this negative witching hour
that is so negatively attached to you
it is the awakening of my ancestors
of my people
it is a blessing finally being
no, I do not confuse
the meaning of time with the blessings of time
not anymore
you can't scare me
you are unwelcome here
safety and love
is all that surrounds us
In our dark times
there is so much light
in my dark times
I know how to fight
in the dark times
we rise above the strife
in my dark times
im not scared to open my eyes
so 3am,
no, im no longer going to be scared
my dreams are fights
I confront
because I have my life and family's to ensure
so, come in my dreams, cus you are not welcomed in reality
nah, you can't come here
I may be scared, but I fight and as scared as I may be, I fight harder
cus you are not welcome here
No more
no more no more
NAH
GO WHERE THERES NO FAITH
I AM THE WITCH
THE ONE WHO HAS NO NAME
THEONE WHO'LL FIGHT
THE ONE
THAT ONE
OLDER THAN TIME
DEEP IN EARTH
DARK IN SUBSTANCE
AND
LIGHT IN AIR
I AM THE MOTHER OF EARTH
THE WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE
THE BEING OF TIME
I AM NOT SCARED
AND YOU WILL NOT SCARE ME INTO OTHERWISE
SO YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY DREAMS
THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU
3AM WILL FOREVER BE JUST A TIME
FOR ME
NOT WITH YOU
GOODBYE
I HOPE YOU DIE
BUT YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME OR MY FAMILY WITH YOU
3AM.
I AM LIGHT
I AM EFERVESCENT
O GLOW
BECAUSE IAM
OLDER THANTIME
DEEP IN EARTH
DARK IN SUBSTANCE
AND
LIGHT IN AIR
I AM A WHITE WITCH
I AM MY ANCESTOR'S CHILD
AND I AM SAFE
AND SO I ENRAPTURE MY WHOOOOLE FAMILY
Im no longer scared of you
I turn that dark time,
to the light
I am a witch
A white one
I shelter our lives from
this negative witching hour
that is so negatively attached to you
it is the awakening of my ancestors
of my people
it is a blessing finally being
no, I do not confuse
the meaning of time with the blessings of time
not anymore
you can't scare me
you are unwelcome here
safety and love
is all that surrounds us
In our dark times
there is so much light
in my dark times
I know how to fight
in the dark times
we rise above the strife
in my dark times
im not scared to open my eyes
so 3am,
no, im no longer going to be scared
my dreams are fights
I confront
because I have my life and family's to ensure
so, come in my dreams, cus you are not welcomed in reality
nah, you can't come here
I may be scared, but I fight and as scared as I may be, I fight harder
cus you are not welcome here
No more
no more no more
NAH
GO WHERE THERES NO FAITH
I AM THE WITCH
THE ONE WHO HAS NO NAME
THEONE WHO'LL FIGHT
THE ONE
THAT ONE
OLDER THAN TIME
DEEP IN EARTH
DARK IN SUBSTANCE
AND
LIGHT IN AIR
I AM THE MOTHER OF EARTH
THE WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE
THE BEING OF TIME
I AM NOT SCARED
AND YOU WILL NOT SCARE ME INTO OTHERWISE
SO YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY DREAMS
THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU
3AM WILL FOREVER BE JUST A TIME
FOR ME
NOT WITH YOU
GOODBYE
I HOPE YOU DIE
BUT YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME OR MY FAMILY WITH YOU
3AM.
I AM LIGHT
I AM EFERVESCENT
O GLOW
BECAUSE IAM
OLDER THANTIME
DEEP IN EARTH
DARK IN SUBSTANCE
AND
LIGHT IN AIR
I AM A WHITE WITCH
I AM MY ANCESTOR'S CHILD
AND I AM SAFE
AND SO I ENRAPTURE MY WHOOOOLE FAMILY
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