Trying?

I guess Im trying to push a good man away
I guess Im trying to see if he will stay
When Im a bitch
When Im mean
WhenI am indecisive
When I am angry at the world
When I am angry at him for wanting to care for me and
Know it has absolutely nothing to do with him
Cus he wants to make me happy
Because it is what we both deserve , as great people
 So, wy do I do that?
 To him?

Yup, im a bitch
Im self centered
Im self preserving
I am taking care of me and mine

Trying to push you away
to see if youll stay
will you leave and run
will u gather those pieces of hard moments to make em fit
in this jigsaw of a life that we (my kids and I) are in
Can you fit
Why would you want to fit, here?

Insecurities have been re-estbalished in my mental
And I knowI am an amazing woman
but....

lets just be.

Carlos- my person

Christine

Listened to a prestigious, PhD , with multiple masters. A psychologist's testimony about her sexual assault.  She wasn't heard when their minds were made up before she spoke
we don't matter
blatantly said
we don't matter

We rest in the dark, where we find solace
We forget how we f=get home
Because we are trying to JUST get home
And we blame ourselves for not being more cautious
Not telling anyone
for keeping our secret(s)
There are too many instances sometime to remember
But we never forget each one of them in our our subconscious
We wake up and say I know something happened to me
n\but I was drunk and I forgot who was there but my vagina is sore and he is one
We say I should not have been that fucked up
but we were and it did happen.
and our body tells. us so
and we are to blame for it
and we are confused and discombobulated
and uncertain
but we know that we were violated as we played/slept there in our overly drunken stoop
and we blame ourselves for it happening to us
and we forget and we let go and we say I won't talk about it and we live our lives as if it never happened.
Subconsciously we plan escape route and keep a friend with us and fight me and say no and protect our children from it never happening to them
but sometimes it does
and then, here we are blaming ourselves, against it
Fuck you
And here I am, triggered and trying to recollect all the TIMES it happened to me