Thoughts of therapy

 I have to go through the fog, to get out

And by fog I mean meeting a therapist first time fucked up. That's when she's the rawest. Me. I am the rawest

I shelter in place otherwise. Snispets never a whole song. Def not the full chapter. Shit I'm still writing the damn book. Fuck. Snippets. They say a lot. When u listen.  Those first lines, paragraphs; come closer and listen. There's som much more stolen behknd the 'story'. It jirates. Shaken, never stirred. Listen. Shhh. U hear that? Whisper wind call.  Just listen. Shhhjjj

Shiiieeett 

Ring my bell

 Ring in the morning for me

Wash away the night for me

Bring my soul to ease

Let no one bring discomfort to me and 

I dont wan no hand out 

No threats 

 No...

Even feel easy to me 

wash them away with this rain 

let them know that they are not here to stay there 

or not even here 

to bring a Solomn discomfort 

to me 

They  are not welcomed.

 I am free

I read this from voice to text and it is so in accurate but sometimes that’s what the devil does translate my word into Ease. Not my words 

 But we are safe and that is the only thing I am concerned about

* I forgot to proofread before making corrections. The first draft was correct. 

Never making that mistake again!

Her

 I ain’t ducking with her no more either 

You wana hurt me 

Dig

Dig

Dig

Bitch y’all family can’t 

Fade me

Can’t hold me

Can’t burn me

Weak shit

So done. 

Dream I’d rather 

Go back to 

Anxiety you don’t recognize 

It’s my fault  I ain’t shit 

So I walk away

Knowing your shit ain’t mine

Give up the ghost

Girl

Nah

Give it up

Brat

Bus stop

 Found you

Shadow man

Sucks that there is nothing we can do 

Just feel vibrations

We can only be who we are

I’m just waiting with you 

At the bus stop

Couldn’t drive 

Wouldn’t let me

Meeting someone else possibly 

I don’t even like to acknowledge 

The reality of my life

I evade

I nor u bring it up

But he did 

Hater lol

We would be great

I think u are the same as me

Vibe

Safe sad struggles

I wana let u in but I won’t without u also doing so

Everyone sees it

We make sense

I want u both

But I’ve been searching for YOU

for years

Forever

I always saw you 

Yet just realized 

You are my 

Shadow Man

Waiting at the bust stop

Pick me up

I already showed u the open door

Ride with me

Us together 

If u just 

Let it

Gesture 

Smile

Touch

Stare

Feel

Just let it

Door’s open

Be

Stop waiting 

For the bus

It’s here

You just have to hop on

Friendship 

Genuine 

Love

Free

Be

Get on the bus

Ride with me

And just 

Be

Rather be

 Fuck em

Damned if ya do

Damned if ya don’t

So I’d rather not

Not no moe 

Nah

Nope

Love and light

Sleep, Shida 

Where u rest

A Blues for Tina

 I’m a hard friend

I am a hard person 

To love

And to be loved

But…

I am loyal

I see you.

For ALL YOU ARE!

I am blessed 

God(dess)- Universe 

Loves me sooo much

Y’all were sent to ME!

So I say, with humility and extremely humble

I have been blessed 

And I say thank you Heavens 

A selfish and selfless one too

A friend 

in the depths of gone

Trying

Trying

Trying

Trying to be here

For y’all and y’all problems

The Remaining issues

Lost

Convoluted 

Hard ass

Selfish friend

Selfless friend

Lost friend

I never wanted to hurt

YOU

Never the intention 

Selfish

Selfless

This is what my dream was telling me last night

Brought me here

Wit Tina

Tonight

It was trying to tell me

Warn me

I only just figured 

It out

Now

This happened in my dream

Losing a friend

Through miscommunication 

Talk

Talk

Talk

About it

Listen 

listen 

listen

To each other

Hold 

Hold

Hold 

One another

Be

Be 

Be 

Just fuckin be

Love 

Love

Love 

Like no one’s watching 

Sister 

Sista

Sisters

Hold

111

 I know I’m supposed to be with him because that number only came with me incessantly after meeting him. Then it’s been all around me. However, I’m conflicted, not great to me. Maybe that’s the strong. I deserve the best in me. But I k ow he’s the best. Just not mine at all the time. Lord. Universe. Guide me. I’m tired. Idk what else. I love him. He loves me.I know love isn’t always enough. Strength and resilience and togetherness is what can complete us. 

He doesn’t HEAR me. He blaze about so much. Maybe it’s time to end a chapter? No, because I see amazingness. I need him to feel, seer ouch and acknowledge our longevity. 

He speaks words, as I write them

Yet, he will never feel words

And feel em when I speak

So what I M fighting for

He told me I better think hard about us

And it’s true

I do t know how to give up

But I k ow the words he said are so very fuckin accurate 

I think I  supposed to be alone. 

I know my partner

God gave me him

He is not him

That hurts my heart to say it 

He is  the dad I longed for

But he is not my man

MAN

i know who he is. God truly sent him to me. Like he sent me carlos.  My perSon.